Breakfast of Champions

Grape Nuts.

They're not grapes. They're not nuts.

What are they?

Friggin' DELICIOUS. That's what they are.

When I was a kid, this stuff was like gold dust in my house. I think the understanding was that it wasn't for me/my brother/kids in general, it being considered a 'grown up' cereal for the following reasons:

A) they were kind of pricey;

B) there wasn't a harebrained, gurning mascot leering at you from the front of the box;

C) the goodness within only had one colour, and;

D) my dad wanted them all to himself (I have no beef, Dad, I understand now.)

Naturally, if any opportunity arose, I defied any warnings to stick to my Coco Pops and went straight for these hardy little nuggets. Their intense crunch was such that I feared for my scarcely-developed molars and, when they were available, they became as much a joyous staple of my childhood as Saturday morning cartoons, Tetris eyestrain and spotting white dog eggs on the street.

Fast forward a bunch of years later. I had flown the nest and, no longer bound by parental breakfast food purchasing choices, was feeling truly PSYCHED about buying my very own box of Grape Nuts for the first time. Then, something went wrong. I don't know if I was just shopping in the wrong places, but they seemed to disappear from supermarket shelves. I never found out why, but I just about managed to muster enough composure to chin up and get on with my life.

Fast forward again to NOW. Grape Nuts are back in full force (whether or not they ever really went away remains a mystery) and, YES, I'm eating them. LOOK:

This might look to anyone unfamiliar with the cereal that I’m pouring myself a hearty bowl of cat litter. This is certainly not the case - I can assure you that Captain Meow’s Poopytime Smile Grit does NOT stay crunchy in milk and is therefore unsuitable for an early morning chow-down.

Back in the day, I would liberally coat my breakfast with sugar. Not so now - being a little older and wiser, I settle for some chopped banana. Everyone knows fruit on cereal is a good idea, but I'll be damned if this doesn't go further than just a good match; soft, sweet 'nana is the perfect sidekick for a big bowl o' Grapey kapow.

Like any cereal whose best asset is texture, they're best enjoyed hurled into your face as soon as you've stopped pouring the milk, but that's certainly not to say that they go soggy quickly (in all honesty though I've never taken enough time over a bowl to find out if that's really true or not).

The taste is somewhat hard to describe - the best I can do is 'a wheaty, slightly malty crunch'. Imagine you're some kind of celestial deity munching on thousands of tiny wheat-meteors and you're halfway there. But, I'm not here to convince you to go and buy some. In fact, the less you eat the better - all the more for me.